Stuff I've discovered lately

1. Making people smile is one of the most amazing things that I can do

2. The ONLY time someone speaks the truth is when they are angry

3. People DO NOT speak the truth when drunk

4. I miss my family, but nothing can be done about that

5. Don't dwell on the past unless you're dwelling on something that makes you happy

6. Being at a crossroads is one of the most exciting times in life. Scary, but exciting

7. There is absolutely NOTHING more important in this world than love.

8. I really really like being me

9. Girly giggling is a great release

10. Growing up is awesome

11. My Nonna is always with me

12. Learning to trust again is not as hard as once thought

13. I am so lucky to have such amazing friends

14. I am so lucky. Period.

15. I do not have any regrets in life, only lessons to be learned. Besides...how can you regret something if at one stage in your life you wanted it?

16. I like to learn lessons the hard way. I thrive from the good, grow from the bad

17. I'm talented, and that is good

18. I've always known that everything happens for a reason...but now I KNOW that it does

19. Art is magic, magic is fire, fire is beauty, beauty is love, love is passion, passion sets you free.

20. Everything comes full circle

21. Karma is the strongest force in this world...even stronger than love

22. Silence can speak volumes

23. Even though I don't like The Beatles' music, I co-incidentally live by everything that they stood for.

24. I give affection freely, but never my heart. That you must earn

25. The moment that I stopped wishing for something is when I received it

Weird is good...

Things are weird. Things have always been weird, I guess, but now they are the epitome of weird. At least I think that's how you spell epitome...

Some of you know I'm going through a strange, yet wonderful enlightening time right now, and those of you who don't...well, you do now. My mind is annoying me by thinking too much, as usual. But this time, I can't switch it off, no matter how hard I try.

I miss people - a lot.
I miss travelling - a lot.
I miss time to myself - a lot.
I miss not having a solid creative outlet - most of all.

I'm reaching an epiphany...of sorts. I'm analysing everything I've ever known, ever experienced, ever believed in up until now. I guess it helps to do that, in order to understand yourself better. I won't change, only grow from my knowledge.

I'm writing a lot lately, getting stuff out of my head, which helps. Nothing helps as much as making a new film though, but I don't have the time or energy to organise actors, crew, locations, catering, permissions, film processing, editing....my head hurts just thinking about it, so a film will have to wait. And my camera needs a service before I start anything.

I feel like some higher power is trying to steer me in a direction that I'm dying to go in, but I keep hitting a brick wall. In my frustration, I choose the 'clear path', only to find it makes me unhappy, and wanting to run right into the brick wall, even if that makes me crack my head open and all my little thoughts spill out onto the footpath. Making me vulnerable as all fuck.

Geddit?

Yeah, it's tough. Hey -that's life.
But no matter how hard the road, I can still say I'm loving the journey

Cryssie xxx

The joys and woes of love

I've been thinking a hell of a lot lately. Far more than is healthy, that's for sure. I'm always thinking about everything (and nothing all at once), but lately, the idea of LOVE has been very very all-consuming. So consuming, it's almost become an obsession. But at least it's a thought I can easily entertain myself with when my head is full of unnecessary boring information (like work training today - ugh).

So where do I go from here? Certainly, I'm not in love with anyone, but I'm in love with the notion of BEING in love. I haven't been in a relationship in a rather long time (far longer than I care to admit), and it's fair to say I feel a bit lonely. I believe I deserve to be in love. After how long I've had to wait - I deserve to be head over fucking heels in it, so deep that if I was drowning I wouldn't care. I'm ready for the metaphorical drowning (but please keep water out of this - I do rather value my life).

I'm happy thinking about love, sad because I'm not in it, feel like I'm forgetting how to love, angry because of the void by my side. In my heart. And wildly happy that I'm free, free to choose who I wish for. But who do I wish for? WHAT I wish for is painfully clear - and far too painful to dwell on.

Am I the only one who thinks like this? I sometimes wonder. Sometimes I think I feel far too deeply. Maybe that's the problem, being a highly spiritual Piscean. I feel and think at such an intensity that sometimes not even I can handle it, and wonder if anyone else hurts to the point that I do. It seems to me as though LOVE is the ONLY language that I was ever born to understand.

All I know is this. Good things happen to those who wait. I'm forcing myself to wait because I have to. I DO BELIEVE IN FATE. Someday my dream lover will fall into my life like a magical saviour, and one day, I will ask him in a whisper, unable to contain my happiness - 'Where have you been all this time?'

Until then, I will continue to wait.
Cryssie xxxx