Fatal Attraction

Understand that I'm not doing this for me,
I'm saving you.
I'm setting you free from me
Because I need to be.
I don't know what I want
And I won't drag you down with me.
We ride the road of fantasy
Which turns me on to the point of fear.
You are possibly so perfect
That it would be wildly insane to be with you.
Insanity with you is something I'm not ready for.
I have to deal with my own first.
You and me could be fatal
Or the best thing in the surreal world
That only we seem to understand.
I need to be free, to be me, to be
Without you.
Understand that I do this
Not because I don't care,
But I am afraid to care too much.

September Boys

September Boys surround me
Attracted to my March charm
Air moving the tides along
Sweeping me into undertow
Drowning in the wind
Has come and gone
The waves settled now
In a gentle breeze
Gills craving the liquid air
Don't define what I cannot see
I don't want to see
I can't understand what I can
I'm dizzy
Running out of life force
From what source?
Air in the water
Creating bubbles to dream upon
And float freely in innocence,
Colourblind
Marching towards September.

In the middle

I am at a major crossroads. Do I follow my heart, or do I listen to the one person who truly cares about me in this world. Although her views are wrong - so wrong - I don't know what to do. I'm 24. She has no control over me. But while I live under her roof...she thinks she does.

I live for the phrase:
'Soon we must all face the choice between what is right, and what is easy'

I have to live up to that now, I can't be a coward. I want to run away until this is all over, but I am no longer at an age where I can do that. I have to make a choice. I have to make a choice. I have to make a choice. And the more I say it, the more I want to hide.

It's not fair to you if I string you along till I've made a decision. But I'm so shaken and scared to the core of making the wrong choice. I'm stuck in the middle with no way out except up...so please help me God, I'm practically begging you now.

Maybe

Maybe I've matured since the last time this happened.
Maybe I've learned a lesson or two.
Maybe I'm determined never to let it happen again.
Maybe I am right in being so undecided.
Maybe this could be it.
Maybe this is the one that could mean everything
Maybe my heart still has a shield, but not to keep others out
Maybe it would burst if I allowed it to feel
Maybe it would be too much this time
Maybe my heart is smarter than my head
Maybe my heart is learning to understand other's needs
Maybe that's the start of unconditional love
Maybe this time I will listen.
Maybe this time I will be appreciated
Maybe we could teach each other things
Maybe I will back away if you don't think this is right
Maybe I want you to be free
Maybe this is mutual
Maybe it will never go anywhere
Maybe we will talk in circles forever
Maybe it's meant to be
Maybe it all happens for a reason
Maybe I will answer the phone next time
Maybe I won't be so afraid
Maybe you won't run away
Maybe this is all bad timing
Maybe I'm not used to being pursued like this
Maybe I like it.
Maybe you've been hurt, like me.
Maybe we need more time.
Maybe we need each other.

Never rains, but pours

Yes...after a long drought, I think it's starting to rain. Not just rain, but pouring. Now I'm confused. I think I need more time. Thank goodness that's something I have. I can make a decision in my own time. In the meantime, I'm gonna grab my boogie board and go out for a swim in the rising flood :-)

Happy Birthday to Me!

My birthday was awesome. Last weekend was awesome. Linda's party was great...maybe I should have one this year, not sure still. I won 2 weekend tickets to the Point Nepean Music Festival, and I was thrilled, considering they're worth 400 bucks, and it felt like a birthday present, coz I won them on my b'day.

But now I'm not sure. The bands are pretty good, but I'm just not a music person. I'd kind of rather scalp them for the cash right now. How bad is that? I'll wait till they arrive I guess. That buys me a bit more time to decide...

Paint my reflection

I finished my painting today. I'm no Picasso, but I'm proud of it. I only ever painted it when I was happy. And not just happy, but that content happy that you just know that life is beautiful. I guess it helps that I only ever painted it on sunny days too. The sunshine has been captured on my paintbrush, and poured into my work. Feels good :-)

It's my 24th birthday in 3 days. I wonder how many people will remember, how many will care? What a silly thing to care about, really. What does it matter. I'm just another year older. I'm not even having a party this year. I'm not materialistic enough to even want any presents, coz I don't actually want anything. Except maybe those cool Ipanema sandals. And Skins season 1 on DVD. And a Kombi Van. But that's probably it.

You know what though?
My birthday's in 3 days...and I really can't wait :-)

Haha, yeah

Haha...THERE's the love I was talking about. Communal love between friends today. SOOOOO good. And even more love between me and my two new friends. Wow...you guys are great :-)
My faith in humanity's love has been restored. What a great day
*huge grin*
I love the Pisces time of year - best 30 day period ever!!!

I believe in love, actually.

Where oh where are you, love?

I'm not talking romantic love, just general love. That's the love that makes the world go 'round. Wherever I go, love is getting rarer and rarer. I can feel it in my friends...but we couldn't be the only ones, could we? And the worst part...I've almost forgotten what it's like to feel real unconditional love that my ability to give it back is disappearing. That's kind of depressing. Even a sense of compassion in others would be nice...does anyone even care anymore?

Love is a vicious cycle. If you don't receive it, you don't give it either. I do love people so so so deeply. So deeply it hurts, all the time. I've never met anyone like me before. Surely I'm not the only one who loves this deeply?

It's no wonder I haven't met my true love. I'm yet to meet anyone who could ever love me enough.

The only love I know is that which is sweet, innocent and pure. The love that gives you butterflies, the love that turns a heart of stone into the most beautiful shining light imaginable. A love that is expressed through a tender touch, a kiss and an accelerated heartbeat. Nothing more. I wish this love still existed, because it's the only love I want. Call me old-fashioned, but I will not settle for anything less...

Secrets in motion

I can't be stationary when telling my secrets to others. It's comforting to always be in motion when revealing things. I always end up telling my secrets to boys while sitting in the back of moving cars. It helps to tell this stuff to boys. They don't judge the way that girls do. I have no problem being open and honest. But I must be in motion. It must be a form of escape, a way to feel comfortable.

I told my secrets to you after just one hour. That proves that I am comfortable with you. With you, I have nothing to hide. I can trust you already. And you can trust me - you told me some stuff yesterday that I know you wouldn't reveal to a stranger. There's just something about this, such an immediate connection. We must know each other from somewhere else. And I don't just mean last year when we met and barely spoke... I mean before we were born.

State of mind

I am trying hard to keep my cool. Maybe I don't want to believe that this could be happening.
In my wildest dreams, it could happen.
I could be right.
That could be scary.
Instead, I'm listening to songs that remind me of you. I've known you for 4 days of my entire life. This is ridiculous.

Let's face it...salvation doesn't drive a Toyota.
That doesn't stop me from thinking you're beautiful.

Oh No...well, here it goes again

I'm struck by Cupid again. Honestly, I hate that little shit. He strikes at the worst times, with guys I can never have, or guys who are not interested in me back. I just don't like thinking overboard about stuff that wil never happen either.

Today I was struck twice. Can you believe it?

I'm so annoyed. One of these guys I've met before, and one was a new one. It's been a year since I saw the first one. Now look what I've gotten myself into. I have to work with this guy for the next 6 weeks. Soon I will be so besotted that I won't be able to look him in the eye. And that is fucking impossible, considering that our work requires us to be looking in each others eyes ALL THE TIME. Rats. Why me?

I know how my mind works in these situations. For once l kind of hope that this is just another un-requeited crush. I don't like when it goes a step further...and then everything falls apart. This guy is waaaaayyy too sweet to risk that kind of thing on.

I only hope I have the strength to survive the next few weeks.
I'll be okay, as long as my heart doesn't burst out of my chest.
I think he already has an inkling that I feel something.
What's worse...we keep getting into great one-on-one situations...