Tired and somewhat optimistic

I am so inexplicably tired today. Maybe I'm getting old. At the ripe old age of 23, I can no longer keep up with the world. Actually, I'm just not a morning person, and a 7am start today after 2 days solid of packing up the house was exhausting. *Yawn* (that yawn was real). This blog is taking me away from my journal writing, but that's okay. I still tell my journal pages stuff that no one is ever allowed to read except me.

Got this great book today that explains about Pisces girls being jaded about love, when in actual fact they are the ones that crave it the most. SO true.

Friends is a really great TV show.
I'm broke, but I have a good feeling about 2 of these new jobs I've applied for.
I just won't tell them that I'm going overseas in 3 months time...

I've been told that I've lost weight. I've been told that a lot in the last 3 weeks. I can't see it, but that's because I see me every day. I've never been on a diet in my life, so I'm putting it down to stress. That's probably not a good thing.

The future will not seem so bleak to me once I've had a nap. I'm cranky.

Tissues

I found a dressing gown that used to belong to my Nonna. She wore it all the time when she lived with Mum and I, while she was having chemo. She died 4 years ago. The other day when I picked it up, I found a bunch of scrunched up tissues in the pocket. I could see my Nonna in front of me, sitting on the couch with her hand in her pocket, scrunching her tissues. I reached into the pocket, and as I scrunched the tissues in my hands, I could feel her hand under mine, doing the same.

I found a dressing gown that used to belong to my Nonna. But it will never bring her back.

Friendship

What does friendship mean anymore? One of my best friends and I have grown apart, and I honestly never saw it coming. I don't feel like we have anything in common anymore. She is the friend I have had the longest, and we have spent most of our teen/tween years as friends. But in the past year and a half, she has changed. She doesn't want to believe it, but she has. And I honestly don't like who she's become. There are some things she's doing lately that just bother me, like she's heading down a really risky path, and she's going to end up hurt. She can't see it...but I can.

It's her birthday this weekend, and instead of being excited about going, I'm trying to think of excuses NOT to go. I don't want to be there. I don't like her friends, I don't like the venue, I don't like bands. I would rather stay at home. Growing up is hard. Growing apart from people is hard. But she has become toxic to me, jealous of me, criticises every choice I make. I don't need her in my life anymore. After almost 10 years, how you tell that to someone?

I'm expecting to hear the news of her pregnancy soon. She doesn't know it yet, but she's going to become pregnant this year. I've known it for months. I didn't want to know, but hey...here we are. I tend to know these things. From the other side of the world, I dreamed when she lost her virginity. I dreamed when she was in emotional distress. I know stuff, and don't know HOW I know. But I always know.

You.

It's stupid that the smell of beer reminds me of you.
It hurts to know that our friendship is not worth the air it was promised upon.
It sucks that I'll never see you again.
It bothers me that we never said goodbye.
It's crap that I haven't replaced you.
It's confusing coz I never wanted you.
It's useless to think that you ever think of me.
It's worthless to believe I meant something to you.
It never occured to me that at one time you cared.
It helps to forget about you.
It took me so long to realise all this
And it sucks because it's true.

More shit happened

My world has fallen apart. I recieved some pretty crappy news today that will affect me a lot over the next few months. I don't really know how to handle it, but for the moment, I guess, all I can tell myself is that it just wasn't meant to be. Although, from the start...I knew that already. From the word GO, everything felt wrong about it. So I guess this should come as no surprise. It's fate's way of telling me that yes, it just wasn't right. But I still feel so wrong. It's probably just shock. Tomorrow I'll be fine about it, I'm sure. That's the way things work out.

I suppose I didn't really need the extra kick in the guts on top of it all, but maybe that was a sign that it was bad for me, bad for my energy, that I didn't deserve that treatment. Or maybe, in my upset state, I misunderstood. Either way, I guess I should be happy. I kind of never wanted it to start with. Things that are convienient never made me happy, for sure.

I'm going to take this as a blessing. The hurt, it only stings for a moment. Opportunity pacifies the pain. Now I'm free for all kinds of opportunities. I suppose this is where real life starts. It's going to be a hard road for a while, but I'll get through it. Things could be a whole shitload worse than this, and I'm so glad they're not.

Shit happens

How many tears have to bleed through these wine eyes until it stops? I'm so tired of this pain, this endless despair. I don't know where it has come from. Maybe my past is catching up to me. A friend once told me 'you've had a hard life Cryssie'. I never for one minute thought that was true until she said it. I still don't want to believe it's true. My life is perfect. Life is not meant to be easy, but mine's never been hard. Look at all the people around me that are going through far worse shit than me, so I have no right to grieve, no right to cry...because my life hasn't been that hard.

But maybe I should stop being a martyr and just fucking give myself the right to greive. I deserve to be upset about stuff. I'm so grateful at least I know how to let it all out, how to express sadness, and not always with tears or anger. I need to give myself that right.

Above all else, I'm so grateful for everything that I've gone through - because of it, I've come out more loving and more compassionate than people realise...and only I will understand why :-)

So, about this blog thing...

I signed up for this thing today, and the only reason it shows previous posts is because I took the stuff I'd posted up on Facebook, and put it here. This format is prettier. Either way, I write a very extensive journal, but poetic words come easier through typing. Sometimes.

I'm so confused. I don't know why I feel the way I do about stuff, I don't know why I seem to be on a rollercoaster all the time. Rides are fun, but I kind of want to get off now, before I throw up. Life is overwhelming. And that's all I'm going to say on the subject. For now.

I have read a few random blogs lately, and I am quite shocked to discover I'm not alone in feeling the way I do. Maybe it's a collective thing? Or maybe it's just a Pisces thing. Yeah, I'll stick with that.

3 days ago, we entered the Pisces stage of the year. These are my favourite 30 days of the year. And that has nothing to do with the fact I'm a Pisces, and it's my birthday soon. That stuff doesn't matter anymore. But I do enjoy a good old collective consciousness. 80% of my friends are Pisces, in the same school of fish. 80% of my friends are also gay. You do the math.

I'm now obsessed with the term DreamPixie.

I wonder if anyone will read this...