Losing Grip

Why should I care?
Coz you weren't there when I was scared...
I was so alone

My love

I wish my love could save your soul
Keep you warm when life gets cold
I wonder if I caused your pain
Caused you to spin over the edge
Oblivion is tempting to you
But I want you here
I wish you'd let me save you
You are as stubborn as me
So we have no chance to be together
if we were together, would I save you?
Would I hurt you?
Would you hate me?
Or would you open up the world of love and love me back?
Because I love you.

Stretching out my arms to something that's just not there...

I think you are setting me free
But you are hurting me

We connected so much the other night, but I don't know if you felt it. Your messages said you did...your lack of them now says otherwise. But are you protecting me from you, by not letting me get too close? You said you didn't want to be loved. That's all I know how to do, the one language I was born to understand. Are you afraid of what you felt that night? Are you afraid of feeling more...or that I may feel more?

Don't be afraid.
I do not need to be protected.

I think you are amazing. But after our re-kindling, you have chosen to pull your energy away from me, and it hurts. It hurts so much that I now realise, too late, that I think I love you.

Maybe you love me too.

I wish

I wish I could say to you the things that you want to hear. Deep down you want to hear them, but on the surface...you won't. I want to crack that shell again, that inpenetrable fortress that you keep creating around yourself. I wish you would let me in again. I want to hold you all night while you weep and tell me everything that bothers you.

I thought about your situation today, and I know that if it happened to me, I would feel the exact same way. Funny how it seems a little odd to me now, but I hope I'll never feel the same way that you do, because it would mean something terrible has happened.

I'm so worried that something is going to happen to you, my friend. And that I will reach the same fate as our mutual friend...barely living on the edges of existence, falling into my mind. But it is not that fate I am afraid of, only a life that must be lived without you, because I love you more than life itself.

Take me to the clouds above

Everytime I see your face, I fall in love all over again. There's a certain magic about you, a mystery that I'm longing to solve, but you haven't even solved it yet. You are electric, and this is forbidden - so tell me...why does it feel so damn right? I want to be with you so so much, but I can never have you. If things were different, you would have made me yours long ago. Instead, we are condemned to an endless tease of lust.
Oh, how I long for you to be mine.

Thanks

I love you for being there for me when I didn't even know how much I needed you. I'm so glad you spoke to me, and told me more about yourself so I understood that none of this was my fault. You never knew how much you upset me - you never knew it was you, but I am grateful that when I wanted to talk to you about 'an issue', you cared. You will never know that the issue was you...and I don't mind. It's all okay now.

Push and Shove

Okay, so today
You pushed me away

I feel like I am broken and I should have known it would happen, but that doesn't stop it from hurting so so very much. I wonder why you don't want me to know about you. I'm left wondering what I did wrong. I'm craving so much to be that girl who would make a difference, prove to you that I'm not like the rest...but I think you know that. I think that's why you've pushed me away. You wish not to be hurt by the one light on your horizon. Despite my best efforts, this light is beginning to dim, right before your eyes. It probably wasn't your intention to hurt me. I won't go away. You'll never know how much I still care about you. I won't stop caring. You shared everything with me and now you regret it. I felt so special because you shared yourself with me. Maybe I just want to be THAT special one - the only one.

You don't wish to see the good in yourself that I see in you. There's nothing I can do to change your mind.

I'm so very tired of being pushed away.
What made you think I was unbreakable?

I wish to be left alone.
I want to be surrounded by people
I'd love to know if anyone still cares...

Oh.

Oh.
I had a fantasy that you sang to me in my sleep. After a wonderful moment, as we lay in each others arms...you sang to me. I had such a powerful vision that I felt the tears falling from my face before the images completed forming in my head. I'm craving a memory that doesn't even have a shadow.
Oh.

Healing and Heartache

I know I have a purpose on this planet. Among many things, my main job is to heal others. I've always known that, all my life...when I am the one people come to for help. I like to help others. But lately, that is a burden.

I need help. I need a lot of help. I can't talk to anyone about it because they will see me as weak, and then who will they turn to for help? I sometimes think that I would like to return this gift. I want others to like me for who I am - not what I can do for them. At least I don't think I'm being used. I don't know, maybe I am.

I would really like to talk to someone. I'm glad that there are two people left in this world who will listen.

I have one wish right now. Above everything I'm going through, and the hard road ahead...the only thing I am wishing for is the power to say NO.

Fatal Attraction

Understand that I'm not doing this for me,
I'm saving you.
I'm setting you free from me
Because I need to be.
I don't know what I want
And I won't drag you down with me.
We ride the road of fantasy
Which turns me on to the point of fear.
You are possibly so perfect
That it would be wildly insane to be with you.
Insanity with you is something I'm not ready for.
I have to deal with my own first.
You and me could be fatal
Or the best thing in the surreal world
That only we seem to understand.
I need to be free, to be me, to be
Without you.
Understand that I do this
Not because I don't care,
But I am afraid to care too much.

September Boys

September Boys surround me
Attracted to my March charm
Air moving the tides along
Sweeping me into undertow
Drowning in the wind
Has come and gone
The waves settled now
In a gentle breeze
Gills craving the liquid air
Don't define what I cannot see
I don't want to see
I can't understand what I can
I'm dizzy
Running out of life force
From what source?
Air in the water
Creating bubbles to dream upon
And float freely in innocence,
Colourblind
Marching towards September.

In the middle

I am at a major crossroads. Do I follow my heart, or do I listen to the one person who truly cares about me in this world. Although her views are wrong - so wrong - I don't know what to do. I'm 24. She has no control over me. But while I live under her roof...she thinks she does.

I live for the phrase:
'Soon we must all face the choice between what is right, and what is easy'

I have to live up to that now, I can't be a coward. I want to run away until this is all over, but I am no longer at an age where I can do that. I have to make a choice. I have to make a choice. I have to make a choice. And the more I say it, the more I want to hide.

It's not fair to you if I string you along till I've made a decision. But I'm so shaken and scared to the core of making the wrong choice. I'm stuck in the middle with no way out except up...so please help me God, I'm practically begging you now.

Maybe

Maybe I've matured since the last time this happened.
Maybe I've learned a lesson or two.
Maybe I'm determined never to let it happen again.
Maybe I am right in being so undecided.
Maybe this could be it.
Maybe this is the one that could mean everything
Maybe my heart still has a shield, but not to keep others out
Maybe it would burst if I allowed it to feel
Maybe it would be too much this time
Maybe my heart is smarter than my head
Maybe my heart is learning to understand other's needs
Maybe that's the start of unconditional love
Maybe this time I will listen.
Maybe this time I will be appreciated
Maybe we could teach each other things
Maybe I will back away if you don't think this is right
Maybe I want you to be free
Maybe this is mutual
Maybe it will never go anywhere
Maybe we will talk in circles forever
Maybe it's meant to be
Maybe it all happens for a reason
Maybe I will answer the phone next time
Maybe I won't be so afraid
Maybe you won't run away
Maybe this is all bad timing
Maybe I'm not used to being pursued like this
Maybe I like it.
Maybe you've been hurt, like me.
Maybe we need more time.
Maybe we need each other.

Never rains, but pours

Yes...after a long drought, I think it's starting to rain. Not just rain, but pouring. Now I'm confused. I think I need more time. Thank goodness that's something I have. I can make a decision in my own time. In the meantime, I'm gonna grab my boogie board and go out for a swim in the rising flood :-)

Happy Birthday to Me!

My birthday was awesome. Last weekend was awesome. Linda's party was great...maybe I should have one this year, not sure still. I won 2 weekend tickets to the Point Nepean Music Festival, and I was thrilled, considering they're worth 400 bucks, and it felt like a birthday present, coz I won them on my b'day.

But now I'm not sure. The bands are pretty good, but I'm just not a music person. I'd kind of rather scalp them for the cash right now. How bad is that? I'll wait till they arrive I guess. That buys me a bit more time to decide...

Paint my reflection

I finished my painting today. I'm no Picasso, but I'm proud of it. I only ever painted it when I was happy. And not just happy, but that content happy that you just know that life is beautiful. I guess it helps that I only ever painted it on sunny days too. The sunshine has been captured on my paintbrush, and poured into my work. Feels good :-)

It's my 24th birthday in 3 days. I wonder how many people will remember, how many will care? What a silly thing to care about, really. What does it matter. I'm just another year older. I'm not even having a party this year. I'm not materialistic enough to even want any presents, coz I don't actually want anything. Except maybe those cool Ipanema sandals. And Skins season 1 on DVD. And a Kombi Van. But that's probably it.

You know what though?
My birthday's in 3 days...and I really can't wait :-)

Haha, yeah

Haha...THERE's the love I was talking about. Communal love between friends today. SOOOOO good. And even more love between me and my two new friends. Wow...you guys are great :-)
My faith in humanity's love has been restored. What a great day
*huge grin*
I love the Pisces time of year - best 30 day period ever!!!

I believe in love, actually.

Where oh where are you, love?

I'm not talking romantic love, just general love. That's the love that makes the world go 'round. Wherever I go, love is getting rarer and rarer. I can feel it in my friends...but we couldn't be the only ones, could we? And the worst part...I've almost forgotten what it's like to feel real unconditional love that my ability to give it back is disappearing. That's kind of depressing. Even a sense of compassion in others would be nice...does anyone even care anymore?

Love is a vicious cycle. If you don't receive it, you don't give it either. I do love people so so so deeply. So deeply it hurts, all the time. I've never met anyone like me before. Surely I'm not the only one who loves this deeply?

It's no wonder I haven't met my true love. I'm yet to meet anyone who could ever love me enough.

The only love I know is that which is sweet, innocent and pure. The love that gives you butterflies, the love that turns a heart of stone into the most beautiful shining light imaginable. A love that is expressed through a tender touch, a kiss and an accelerated heartbeat. Nothing more. I wish this love still existed, because it's the only love I want. Call me old-fashioned, but I will not settle for anything less...

Secrets in motion

I can't be stationary when telling my secrets to others. It's comforting to always be in motion when revealing things. I always end up telling my secrets to boys while sitting in the back of moving cars. It helps to tell this stuff to boys. They don't judge the way that girls do. I have no problem being open and honest. But I must be in motion. It must be a form of escape, a way to feel comfortable.

I told my secrets to you after just one hour. That proves that I am comfortable with you. With you, I have nothing to hide. I can trust you already. And you can trust me - you told me some stuff yesterday that I know you wouldn't reveal to a stranger. There's just something about this, such an immediate connection. We must know each other from somewhere else. And I don't just mean last year when we met and barely spoke... I mean before we were born.

State of mind

I am trying hard to keep my cool. Maybe I don't want to believe that this could be happening.
In my wildest dreams, it could happen.
I could be right.
That could be scary.
Instead, I'm listening to songs that remind me of you. I've known you for 4 days of my entire life. This is ridiculous.

Let's face it...salvation doesn't drive a Toyota.
That doesn't stop me from thinking you're beautiful.

Oh No...well, here it goes again

I'm struck by Cupid again. Honestly, I hate that little shit. He strikes at the worst times, with guys I can never have, or guys who are not interested in me back. I just don't like thinking overboard about stuff that wil never happen either.

Today I was struck twice. Can you believe it?

I'm so annoyed. One of these guys I've met before, and one was a new one. It's been a year since I saw the first one. Now look what I've gotten myself into. I have to work with this guy for the next 6 weeks. Soon I will be so besotted that I won't be able to look him in the eye. And that is fucking impossible, considering that our work requires us to be looking in each others eyes ALL THE TIME. Rats. Why me?

I know how my mind works in these situations. For once l kind of hope that this is just another un-requeited crush. I don't like when it goes a step further...and then everything falls apart. This guy is waaaaayyy too sweet to risk that kind of thing on.

I only hope I have the strength to survive the next few weeks.
I'll be okay, as long as my heart doesn't burst out of my chest.
I think he already has an inkling that I feel something.
What's worse...we keep getting into great one-on-one situations...

Tired and somewhat optimistic

I am so inexplicably tired today. Maybe I'm getting old. At the ripe old age of 23, I can no longer keep up with the world. Actually, I'm just not a morning person, and a 7am start today after 2 days solid of packing up the house was exhausting. *Yawn* (that yawn was real). This blog is taking me away from my journal writing, but that's okay. I still tell my journal pages stuff that no one is ever allowed to read except me.

Got this great book today that explains about Pisces girls being jaded about love, when in actual fact they are the ones that crave it the most. SO true.

Friends is a really great TV show.
I'm broke, but I have a good feeling about 2 of these new jobs I've applied for.
I just won't tell them that I'm going overseas in 3 months time...

I've been told that I've lost weight. I've been told that a lot in the last 3 weeks. I can't see it, but that's because I see me every day. I've never been on a diet in my life, so I'm putting it down to stress. That's probably not a good thing.

The future will not seem so bleak to me once I've had a nap. I'm cranky.

Tissues

I found a dressing gown that used to belong to my Nonna. She wore it all the time when she lived with Mum and I, while she was having chemo. She died 4 years ago. The other day when I picked it up, I found a bunch of scrunched up tissues in the pocket. I could see my Nonna in front of me, sitting on the couch with her hand in her pocket, scrunching her tissues. I reached into the pocket, and as I scrunched the tissues in my hands, I could feel her hand under mine, doing the same.

I found a dressing gown that used to belong to my Nonna. But it will never bring her back.

Friendship

What does friendship mean anymore? One of my best friends and I have grown apart, and I honestly never saw it coming. I don't feel like we have anything in common anymore. She is the friend I have had the longest, and we have spent most of our teen/tween years as friends. But in the past year and a half, she has changed. She doesn't want to believe it, but she has. And I honestly don't like who she's become. There are some things she's doing lately that just bother me, like she's heading down a really risky path, and she's going to end up hurt. She can't see it...but I can.

It's her birthday this weekend, and instead of being excited about going, I'm trying to think of excuses NOT to go. I don't want to be there. I don't like her friends, I don't like the venue, I don't like bands. I would rather stay at home. Growing up is hard. Growing apart from people is hard. But she has become toxic to me, jealous of me, criticises every choice I make. I don't need her in my life anymore. After almost 10 years, how you tell that to someone?

I'm expecting to hear the news of her pregnancy soon. She doesn't know it yet, but she's going to become pregnant this year. I've known it for months. I didn't want to know, but hey...here we are. I tend to know these things. From the other side of the world, I dreamed when she lost her virginity. I dreamed when she was in emotional distress. I know stuff, and don't know HOW I know. But I always know.

You.

It's stupid that the smell of beer reminds me of you.
It hurts to know that our friendship is not worth the air it was promised upon.
It sucks that I'll never see you again.
It bothers me that we never said goodbye.
It's crap that I haven't replaced you.
It's confusing coz I never wanted you.
It's useless to think that you ever think of me.
It's worthless to believe I meant something to you.
It never occured to me that at one time you cared.
It helps to forget about you.
It took me so long to realise all this
And it sucks because it's true.

More shit happened

My world has fallen apart. I recieved some pretty crappy news today that will affect me a lot over the next few months. I don't really know how to handle it, but for the moment, I guess, all I can tell myself is that it just wasn't meant to be. Although, from the start...I knew that already. From the word GO, everything felt wrong about it. So I guess this should come as no surprise. It's fate's way of telling me that yes, it just wasn't right. But I still feel so wrong. It's probably just shock. Tomorrow I'll be fine about it, I'm sure. That's the way things work out.

I suppose I didn't really need the extra kick in the guts on top of it all, but maybe that was a sign that it was bad for me, bad for my energy, that I didn't deserve that treatment. Or maybe, in my upset state, I misunderstood. Either way, I guess I should be happy. I kind of never wanted it to start with. Things that are convienient never made me happy, for sure.

I'm going to take this as a blessing. The hurt, it only stings for a moment. Opportunity pacifies the pain. Now I'm free for all kinds of opportunities. I suppose this is where real life starts. It's going to be a hard road for a while, but I'll get through it. Things could be a whole shitload worse than this, and I'm so glad they're not.

Shit happens

How many tears have to bleed through these wine eyes until it stops? I'm so tired of this pain, this endless despair. I don't know where it has come from. Maybe my past is catching up to me. A friend once told me 'you've had a hard life Cryssie'. I never for one minute thought that was true until she said it. I still don't want to believe it's true. My life is perfect. Life is not meant to be easy, but mine's never been hard. Look at all the people around me that are going through far worse shit than me, so I have no right to grieve, no right to cry...because my life hasn't been that hard.

But maybe I should stop being a martyr and just fucking give myself the right to greive. I deserve to be upset about stuff. I'm so grateful at least I know how to let it all out, how to express sadness, and not always with tears or anger. I need to give myself that right.

Above all else, I'm so grateful for everything that I've gone through - because of it, I've come out more loving and more compassionate than people realise...and only I will understand why :-)

So, about this blog thing...

I signed up for this thing today, and the only reason it shows previous posts is because I took the stuff I'd posted up on Facebook, and put it here. This format is prettier. Either way, I write a very extensive journal, but poetic words come easier through typing. Sometimes.

I'm so confused. I don't know why I feel the way I do about stuff, I don't know why I seem to be on a rollercoaster all the time. Rides are fun, but I kind of want to get off now, before I throw up. Life is overwhelming. And that's all I'm going to say on the subject. For now.

I have read a few random blogs lately, and I am quite shocked to discover I'm not alone in feeling the way I do. Maybe it's a collective thing? Or maybe it's just a Pisces thing. Yeah, I'll stick with that.

3 days ago, we entered the Pisces stage of the year. These are my favourite 30 days of the year. And that has nothing to do with the fact I'm a Pisces, and it's my birthday soon. That stuff doesn't matter anymore. But I do enjoy a good old collective consciousness. 80% of my friends are Pisces, in the same school of fish. 80% of my friends are also gay. You do the math.

I'm now obsessed with the term DreamPixie.

I wonder if anyone will read this...